What’s In It for Me?
Have you ever been at a networking event or cocktail party where you do not know anyone and felt uncomfortable trying to engage in conversation? Many people can relate, but few take the time to understand what makes a great conversationalist in the first place. First published in 1937, the advice in How to Win Friends and Influence People is still relevant today because human nature has not changed, making the book a timeliness classic. How can you persuade people to agree with you or speak frankly without offending others? The ability to read others and successfully navigate social situations is imperative to anyone that wants to have success in their career, social network, or life in general. Since everything in life is a skill, Carnegie provides practical advice that can be applied to improve your social skills, which is arguably more valuable than any college degree or credentials you have ever earned.
The Big Idea
The core principles of this book were originally written as a working handbook on human relations. Carnegie describes the fundamentals of how to make people like you and want to help you, how to win people to your way of thinking without conflict, and how to be an inspirational leader.
The author gives six principles that will make people like you, and they all fall into the overachieving theme of making people feel important:
- Become genuinely interested in other people
- Smile
- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interest
- Make the other person feel important- and do it sincerely.
The key to remember with the principles above is you have to be genuine. You cannot use these principles with the intention of “trying to get something out of the other person.” Carnegie states: “If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return- if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.” P. 106
Key Concept #1
Make Them Feel Important/Appreciated
“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.” How to Win Friends and Influence People p.22
One of America’s most profound philosophers, Dr. John Dewey, said the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” It is this desire that motivates people to push themselves. Understanding this motivating factor can help businesses excel. Charles Schwab was selected by Andrew Carnegie to become the first president of the newly formed United States Steel Company in 1921, when Schwab was only thirty-eight years old. Why did Andrew Carnegie pay Schwab a million dollars a year to run the company, when he was not even considered an expert in the steel business? Schwab said, “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I posses, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” Schwab believed criticism from superiors killed the ambitions of a person and instead was always quick to point out great work. Schwab declared, “I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
Carnegie is quick to distinguish the difference between appreciation and flattery, with the latter being sincere and the former being insincere. People can easily pick up on genuine complements versus flattery.
One of the most neglected virtues is people often forget to show appreciation. The next time a tired salesperson goes out of their way to help you, mention it. And don’t forget about it in the work setting either. In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. The book describes the story of an employee that was in charge of supervising a janitor, who was doing a poor job. The other employees would make negative remarks and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he was doing. The supervisor struggled to find ways to motivate the janitor, but when he did do a particularly good piece of work, she would praise him in front of other people. Slowly the job he did improved, and other employees gave him appreciation and recognition. Honest appreciation achieved results while criticism and ridicule failed. If you need a reminder to go out of your way to show appreciation, perhaps the quote below will help:
“I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
Key Concept #2
Smile
“The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.” How To Win Friends and Influence People p. 69
It sounds like simple advice, but how often do you smile? Not the forced, fake smile, but a genuine smile. The effect of a smile is powerful. Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of Michigan concluded that people who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and raise happier children. The employment manager at a large New York department store stated she would rather hire a sales clerk with little education if they had a pleasant smile, than hire someone with a doctorate degree with a somber face.
The book describes the story of a stock broker who had been married for eighteen years and seldom smiled at his wife or spoke two dozen words to her from the time he got up in the morning to the time he left the house for work. Dale Carnegie suggested the man try an experiment and greet everyone he meets, including his wife, with a smile. Not only did the man greet his wife with a “good morning” and a smile, but he applied the same positive approach to people at his office, the cashier at the coffee shop, and others he encountered throughout the day. The man concluded that the change in his attitude brought more happiness in his home in the two months that he started than in the prior year.
Psychologists have long concluded that there is a mind/body connection. In other words, actions and feelings go together. The action of smiling is literally changing your brain chemistry to make you feel happier. Everyone in the world is seeking happiness, and one proven way to find it is by controlling your thoughts. It is not what you have, who you are, or what you are doing that make you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about. Abe Lincoln once remarked, “ most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”
“Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.” P. 76
So, the next time you want to make a great first impression, start with a simple smile.
Key Concept #3
You Can’t Win An Argument
Carnegie makes the key point that no one can ever win an argument because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? You will feel fine, but you will have made the other person feel inferior. You will have hurt his pride and he will resent your triumph because a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. The key is not to avoid arguments, but to keep disagreements from becoming arguments. The author gives several tips below:
Welcome the disagreement: If two business partners agree on everything, then one of them is probably not necessary. Use disagreements as an opportunity to think about another point of view or a chance to correct a mistake you may not be seeing.
Distrust your first instinctive impression: Our first natural reaction in a disagreement is to be defensive. Keep in mind that your first reaction may be you at your worst, not your best. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction.
Control your temper: You can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. Do not do something you would later regret.
Listen first: Give the person you are in disagreement with the chance to talk, and let them finish. Try to build bridges of understanding instead of defending or debating.
Look for areas of agreement: When the other person has finished, dwell on their points first and areas on which you agree.
Be honest: Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. If you apologize first it will disarm the other person and reduce defensiveness.
The author is NOT saying you should avoid arguments or become a push over. Instead, follow the tips above to have thoughtful disagreements to keep a conversation from escalating into a full-blown argument. Make sure you show respect for the other person’s opinions and never tell them “you’re wrong.” If you do make a mistake or are wrong, have the courage to admit it quickly and emphatically. You will gain more respect from people by taking this approach than trying to hide behind a mistake. Thoughtful disagreements typically improve the situation and lead to better results over time, instead of win/lose oriented arguments that tend to accomplish nothing and damage both people.
Key Concept #4
How to Become a Good Conversationalist
Carnegie describes a story where he attended a bridge party, except he never played bridge. Fortunately he met another lady at he party that also didn’t play bridge. She had discovered that he had traveled extensively in Europe and asked him about his travels. Carnegie gave a bit of information, but in conversation discovered the lady had recently returned from a trip to Africa. Carnegie quickly shifted the conversation away from him and asked the lady to tell him about Africa. That kept her talking for forty-five minutes and she never again asked him what countries he had visited. And that is the key to being a great conversationalist. People like to talk about themselves, so find a topic they are passionate about that allows them to do this. Surprisingly, people will actually think of you as a great conversationalist if you are merely a good listener and encourage them to talk about a topic that interests them.
In business situations, the act of being a good listener is extremely important as well. The book describes the story of an angry customer who was upset because he was being hounded by the credit department of the company for not paying for goods he bought on credit. The customer denied that he owed money, but the business knew he was wrong. When the customer drove to complain to the business, the owner listened patiently. When the customer was finally done complaining and started to calm down, the owner said: “I want to thank you for coming to tell me about this. You have done me a great favor, for if our credit department annoyed you, it may annoy other good customers, and this would be just too bad. Believe me, I am far more eager to hear this than you are to tell it.” The owner told him he would wipe the charges off the books and forget about it. The customer did not know how to respond, and eventually ended up placing a large order with the company.
“If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.” P. 98. Remember that the people you are conversing with are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to them than a famine in Africa which kills a million people, so think of that perspective the next time you start a conversation.
Key Concept #5
How To Get Cooperation
Do you have more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you? Of course, everyone does. Since that is the case, the author suggests that it is bad judgment to try to enforce your opinions on other people. Instead, it is wiser to make suggestions that allow the other person to come to a conclusion on their own.
The book describes the story of Colonel Edward M. House, who wielded an enormous influence in national and international affairs while Woodrow Wilson was president. President Wilson leaned upon Colonel House for secret counsel and advice more than he did upon even members of his own cabinet. The method Colonel House used in influencing the President was to plant an idea in his mind casually, simply to get him thinking about it on his own account. The first time House tried this approach it was an accident, as he had visited the White House and urged a policy on him which he appeared to disapprove. However, several days later at a dinner party, the President discussed the suggestion as if it was his own. House didn’t care about credit, he wanted results, so he let the President run with it. If this approach works on a former President of the United States, it is safe to assume it can work for just about anybody. People have an urge for control and like come come up with their own conclusions.
Another way to foster cooperation is to understand that no on likes to take orders. Instead, give suggestions and allow people to learn from their mistakes. This approach saves a person’s pride and gives them a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
The book describes the story of a professor who was upset that a student had parked blocking the entrance to one of the school’s shops. He screamed at the class and threatened to wrap a chain around the car and drag it out. Even though the car was parked illegally, he could have handled the situation differently. For the rest of the year, the entire class gave the professor a hard time. Had the professor simply asked whose car was parked there and explained it was blocking other cars from getting in and out, the results would likely have been much different. Asking a question not only makes an order more palatable, but it often stimulates the creativity of the person whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Apply It
- For one week, try making a conscious effort to smile at people more often than you typically do. Greet the security guard at your office with a smile and “good morning.” Be kind and engaging with people, and see how you feel after a week of doing this.
- Go to a meet-up or networking event where you do not know anyone. Instead of worrying about topics of conversation to have in your “back pocket”, think of yourself as a detective trying to learn about the other person you are speaking with. Use Carnegie’s key principle of becoming a good conversationalist by having the other person talk about themselves. You just might learn something interesting as well.
- When you meet someone new, instead of thinking about what you are going to say, focus on remembering their name. Repeat their name in your head several times to get it down, and them use their name several times throughout the conversation. Remember, a person’s name to that person is the sweetest sound they could hear.